If there is one thing I am learning, it is that achieving what I used to think balance was feels damn near impossible most times. I love listening to podcasts and a big one right now I am into is “We Can Do Hard Things” with Glennon Doyle. The episode I tuned into today featured Alanis Morrisette (who is one of my favs), and she was speaking so confidently and wisely. She was not even talking specifically about anything to do with my title of this blog post, but when the podcast ended, I felt she had portrayed herself as such a beacon of wisdom and peace and exhumed such a calm and intuitive nature that I envied. Basically, in addition to wise, peaceful, and calm, she seemed BALANCED. I feel like I go off on these pursuits to eat better, work out more, sleep more, keep a cleaner and tidier home, be a more patient and present parent, work harder at my job, learn more skills at work, travel more, be more fiscally responsible, see my friends more, have a hobby or two, start a nonprofit, be outside more, and the list goes on and on and on always wanting to be more, do more, and be better. How? How can we be a master at all of those things when there is only one of us? Not to mention what if there is only one of us and three of them like as is the case in parenting. Ok, well 2 of us (hi wife), but still. Maybe someday I will find the secret to PERFECT balance, the type of balance that means indulging little and restraining often, working smarter not harder and relaxing when your body and mind call for it, parenting with grace and patience but not fearing the occasional times your child see you have an off moment, or even a really bad day. I hope to learn the art of being confident in your skin but still seeing areas you want to work on and improve. That to me is what real balance looks like. I aim to arrive there someday. At this stage in my life, I feel like I am living a step below that definition of balance. But that’s ok for now. I am human and I am living and learning. I work in a career that pays well with minimum stress, I don’t hate it, I don’t love it, basically it is o.k., however I am able to volunteer my time to an organization that I someday wish to grow; Hamden Pride, and that enlivens me. My career fuels the heat in my home, but Pride fuels my soul. Sure, I wish it could be bigger, better, and more organized than it is. I am human…. so, I get pride envy when I see other organizations, even newer than ours succeeding while I feel like I am fumbling. But when I start to feel like I am failing I have to remind myself, as does my wife, that we can only do what we can. The product that comes out of it is sometimes not a reflection of our own commitment, interest, ability, skills, or knowledge, but rather a reflection of the time we have to give to it, the resources we are given, and the ability, or lack of ability to tend to something in that moment of time. Right now, I am growing a tree in a sense with Hamden Pride, it may take 10 years to be what I want it to be, to turn it into the big picture I drew in my head, but I am confident it’ll get there. My children and home are like a fruit, flower, or vegetable garden, I plant them yearly, water them daily, check on them every couple of days, trim them, etc (That’s as far as this crazy analogy is going to get because I kill plants – fucking lack of a green thumb, last year I ended up with just onions, fucking onions?!) and they grow. The grow quick and regularly because you were there, because you were attentive, because you changed your ferocity of care dependent upon that unique plant(child), and specific need. They change year to year, always having different needs, and they take a lot of care. But when tended to the end result is beautiful. I am often guilty of often putting one egg each in 20 different baskets. I think this is something many of us are guilty of. We have this fear of failure, fear of saying no, fear of disappointing others, and worse yet fear of disappointing ourselves because of too-high expectations that we set for ourselves, so we try to pour ourselves into too many jobs, people, or tasks. That leaves us feeling like a failure because it’s just mentally, emotionally, and physically impossible to do various things well all at once. This is when prioritizing comes into play. I have always found it hard to answer the question of what calls for my attention most right now, what do I NEED to focus on first, what do I pour the most time and energy into? Therein comes the idea of balance. Balance to say not today, balance to say sure I can dedicate a few hours to this but no more than that, balance to say no, balance to delegate, balance to accept what we can give to something, and balance to not carry the weight of other people’s expectations, fears and disappointments. Balance shows up in dreaming, balance can be exhibited in simply stopping, balance is shown in listening, balance is even found present in only breathing. Balance comes when I take a step back and look at all I have accomplished, and not perseverate on what I didn’t accomplish. Balance doesn’t have to be spending x,y,z time on tasks 1,2, and 3. Balance can be being in the moment, taking in what your kids are doing, listening to the sounds around you, or the lack of them (silence is golden), and being present in the moment, in doing NOTHING. In moments of solitude or calm, answers come. Answers to questions we’ve been seeking for a long time. Answers to how to lead a life of beauty and connectedness. Balance to me right now looks like often taking a step back and not giving up, but not exhausting myself either. Balance needs to be for me doing what I can with the time and resources I have and saying, you did good Jacky, you did good. It doesn’t matter what one person can achieve; everyone has a unique set of circumstances. No two people live the same life. One person may have 5 kids that all are “easy” (I hate that term) in the sense that they listen well, help around the house, and are independent, whereas another person may have two kids, and maybe they both for any reason (temperament, disability, or circumstance) are “hard” and need lots of reminders, help, attention, grace etc. Parenting “hard” children leaves us feeling depleted in a way that can’t really be well described. These are our wild children, our spirited kiddos, hard when young but they turn out to be a force of nature, a powerful leader, someone who shapes communities, cultures and moves mountains. How do I know? My wife was one of them, and now she is a powerhouse, a terrific and accomplished coach, a patient and attentive mom, patient and helpful spouse, and amazing role model to young women and girls in our community. How can we compare ourselves to others when we are ALL different. We carry different jobs, have different spouses, financial situations, interests, skills, family life, not to mention mental health – that’s a WHOLE other topic to explore. In closing, I guess what I am saying is balance is not always giving a little to a million different things, which is what I used to think it was. What I have really sought to understand today, and throughout this post is that balance can be shown in doing what you can, achieving what you can, and being able to take a step back and be proud of what you accomplished, being proud of who you are (we are all beautiful works-in-progress), being present, and celebrating the current successes while still holding on to the future dreams to grow something when the time is right. Be patient with yourselves, and I hope you explore and find out what balance looks like to you and then begin, or continue to, practice it.