I find that depression and anxiety can be so frustrating. I mean, anyone that suffers with it would say the same. The lack of motivation, the impulsive eating to bring dopamine levels up, wanting to sleep, intrusive thoughts, lack of patience, feeling like shit could go wrong at any moment, not finding joy in anything…. the list of feelings, thoughts, and symptoms goes on and it looks different for different people. But for me the most frustrating thing about feeling this way is when I don’t have ways to steer away from their origin because there doesn’t seem to be a true and clear trigger. Usually some of my triggers include participating in a chaotic event, traveling with kids, dark and cold weather, having a lot I am responsible to complete with no freedom to do it, being around certain people, deadlines, being in charge of others, my desire to please everyone, and meeting high expectations that I set for myself. However, sometimes I just have days where there’s no clear trigger, but yet I can’t summon any motivation, nor can I feel any joy. These are the hardest days. When no amount of sleep or caffeine can pull me out of my rut, these are the days that suck the most.
The thing I despise most about the days that seem unavoidable and worst yet, unpredictable, is that I know my kids and wife are affected. I know I am hard to be around, hard to talk to, hard to love. With each time my kids choose to engage with my wife by talking with her over me, or reaching for her hugs over mine, it makes me hate my depression and anxiety even more. I fear that even though I am getting the help I need with medication, that I am still ruining my opportunities to be the spouse and parent that I always wanted to be. Sometimes I am fabulous and pull out all the stops; outdoor messy playtime (yesterday we dug dirt and pulled weeds in the garden), themed activities (candy land game we played two nights ago featuring all real candy to eat), staycations on spring break (with something going on daily), living room sleepouts, Play-Doh, fingerpainting and more. On the flip side, some days I can’t even bear to be needed, I can’t bear to be in charge of little humans, can’t bear to spend another day neglecting my own exhaustive list of needs. I often envy the parents that are content with a couple hours carved out of a week for “me time”. What I need seems to be more like a couple hours carved out EVERY DAY for “me time.” Even more so, the idea of one weekend from sunrise on Saturday to sunset on Sunday to be around no one that needs me, no one to limit my spontaneity, no one to get in the way of my relaxation seems like a paradise.
This is one of the toughest concepts I tackle. Surely, I fight depression and anxiety, I know I am having one of those tough days when things that typically make me happy like coffee, naps, and shopping don’t even do it for me. But there’s another concept with which I am struggling…. and that is the idea that outside of depression and anxiety, I believe it to be wholly true that each parent may require a different amount of time away from their families. This is a concept that is hard to explore and explain, and even harder to grasp and put into action. In our society, someone who takes time away regularly from their families gets shamed or critiqued. Why would she have kids if she doesn’t enjoy being around them? Maybe she’s just selfish? Maybe she can’t handle it? Maybe she’s too weak to be a parent? These are all thoughts that have entered my head when I think about putting into practice a “one weekend a month to myself” idea. These harsh thoughts come into my mind because as a society we’ve idolized that a good mom is patient, selfless, and always present. But we aren’t, and can’t possibly be, at least not most of us. We are human, with our own limits, negative thoughts, dreams desires, and needs. I am not patient most days. How can I be with the ever-increasing demands of working fulltime, volunteering in the community, raising three kids, keeping a house still standing and in good repair. I struggle to find time to figure out who I am at the core. Going to Target to grab a couple things to find we forgot Fitz’s shoes, so he has to remain in a cart while I let him suck down pouch after pouch (not yet paid for) to keep him from fussing. Trying to clean up a mess the kids made all while they make another even bigger mess in that same time. Taking them outside to get fresh air but then physically having to manage the little one not getting clocked in the head from his older siblings’ swings. How can I be calm and patient? This shit is hard. Society isn’t structured so that a parent can truly remain patient in the face of chaos. There are too many demands on us to practice patience. For example, taking three kids to the dentist yesterday I was reminded that ALL my kids, including my 13-year-old, may need MY assistance to properly brush and floss their teeth. I DON’T EVEN PROPERLY BRUSH OR FLOSS MY OWN! There isn’t time for that. Sure, that’s understandable for my 1- and 4-year-old. But yet my 13-year-old’s failure to do a good job somehow becomes a competing item on the top of my own priority list? Being patient sometimes feels unachievable because with every action you carry out to assist your kiddos you are neglecting yourself; I often think to myself; “I’m dehydrated” (but I can’t step away to get a drink at this moment), “I have to pee” (but I can’t stop doing what I am currently doing for fear one of them will get hurt), “I need to do something with my hair and makeup” (but then we won’t be able to get out of the house on time and the whole schedule will be ruined because he’ll fall asleep in the car instead of at home after). So, we just push down our own needs a little more with every hour we are awake and eventually, not so shockingly, we erupt. Because we too, have needs, just that there is no one reminding us to take care of them. Or when we are reminded to care for ourselves it’s when we have time. “When the kids are asleep take some time for you” or “you should go to the gym when you have the time”, etc. But we never have time, there is always something or someone who needs us. Dishes to be done, bills to pay, a clock to punch, animals to be fed, appointment to make and go to….
Being selfless is also a harmful value to idolize. The very definition of selfless is a problem. “Caring more for what other people need and want rather than for what you yourself need and want: selfless devotion to duty.” WTF?! Ask yourself if you would want your daughter to grow up to embody selflessness? I don’t! I want her to take care of herself, so that she may then be able to tend to others, when she can, how she can, and if she wants too. If it’s clearer to us that selflessness isn’t something we want our children to exhibit, then why is it something we still struggle to embody? Why do we use that term when complimenting others? “She’s so kind, amazing, and selfless!” Sure, it may feel good to be told you are selfless, especially when lumped with other positive character traits. But when you get down to the bottom of that, therein lies the problem. Our society shouldn’t value selflessness. We can be kind, giving, loving, empathetic, attentive, devoted, and more all without needing to be SELFLESS. Fuck Selflessness. I am important too. You are also important. But the basic concept holds true, I can’t take care of you properly without first tending to my needs. If only our society not only spoke that sentiment, but also made it easier to practice it.
Let’s talk about being “Present”. I would rather be present 2 real hours of every day and 28 days of the month than strive to be semi-present always. What I am trying to say here is that doesn’t the very idea of truly being present mean putting your phones away, sitting down with your kids, actively participating and listening, and meeting them with authentic warm hugs, smiles, and kisses? But instead, we don’t give parents enough opportunities to run errands ALONE, get away for one whole saturday every month, go on an annual yoga retreat, take a few hours a week to blog or journal, step away and exercise for an hour a day, go sit outside every evening to breath, visit a friend, explore a new hobby, etc. So, when we can’t find time or aren’t granted the time to “visit so and so, run to the store to get x,y, and z, meditate and blog daily, or maybe get away for one Saturday to go on a hike, sit with our thoughts alone, or maybe visit a dear friend,” then being present in actuality becomes only being semi-present. We sit do to a puzzle on the floor with the kids (but we are thinking about how our friend is doing and how we miss spending time with her, then feel guilty about not wanting to be where we currently are), we take the kids to the store to get a few things (but we stress over them being there to the point we can’t relax, they feel like ticking time bombs, even when they might be behaving, they require attention, and you forgot one of the three main things on your list, not to mention you yelled at them in a public place for something small and now feel like you are the target of everyone’s attention), you try to carve ten minutes a day to meditate (with your eyes open of course because you can’t not watch your kids, and the whole time they are pulling every toy out of the toy box, and stripping the couch of every pillow and blanket, so you’ll need to tidy that up after and now you realize you aren’t truly meditating, rather you are focusing on all the negative things going on around you).
UGHHHHH. WTF. Did you actually make it this far in your reading? If you did, then holy shit…. good for you. Either you have nothing better you want to do in the moment, maybe you are procrastinating getting away from your phone, or better yet, you aren’t a quitter and decided to read to the end. Or maybe, just maybe, you struggle such as I do, and even a half ass way of me depicting our worlds is appreciated by you and felt by you.
Well, here’s the grand finale of this post…. here’s my current thought and main sentiment…is this really just anxiety and depression that can be managed with meds and therapy? Or in addition to depression and anxiety (because I know I fight that and that those conditions are real) is this another way that our society poorly sets us up for and portrays parenthood? The expectations that come along with it, and the struggle to carry them out. Is my idea of what it would take for me to be a present and patient and caring (not to be confused with fucking selfless) parent realistic and understandable, and better yet achievable with enough speaking up for myself and carving time for me? Or is this why there are meds and therapy? So, we can medicate, bitch and moan, and then wake up to carry out our days as semi-present, 1/2 happy, loving (but suffocating) parent to tend to everyone while simultaneously just looking out and thinking… someday I will do what I want to do for ME. Right now, there isn’t time, there isn’t money, and there isn’t an avenue…. my kids need me, there isn’t space for ME. If you are asking yourself these dark questions, or sometimes resent being a parent despite truly loving your children, you aren’t alone. If I can think them, we all can and probably do. Hopefully we can all find a path forward, and hopefully that path will include meds and therapy (for those of that need them) but hopefully there is also me time, alone time, and activities and events we do for ourselves in our futures that work in partnership with the meds and therapy. We can’t foster adventurous, loving, intelligent people without going on a solo adventure sometimes too! Go embark on an adventure of your own, I am going to start planning my next (prescribed by me) session of 24 hours kid free… I don’t care what society thinks, I need it, I want it and that’s enough. Only when I get what I need outside of medication, can I truly find lasting relief from the everyday battles of depression and anxiety. I love my wife, I love my kids, but I love me too. Cheers to Sertraline and Solo Time!
Leave a Reply